3 Things that always tell the truth: Children, Drunk People, and Leggings Age Doesn't Matter Unless your Wine or Cheese Beer is good. Beers are better Blink Twice if you need a refill Book Drinking Club Chicken Pot Pie: Three of my Favorite Things! Autocorrect must think i'm in a warzone with the amount of ducking I do Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason someone drinks. Whatever works for you. Best Friend, in the group text of life, you're the one I side text Coffee: A liquid hug for your brain Coffee makes me feel less murdery "Shut up, liver, you're fine!" Be considerate, Bitches Charcuterie Boards: Where self-control & good intentions go to die COFFEE: because wine is not acceptable at work The Years Have Been Good to me...It's those weekends that did the damage So I googled My Symptons...turns out I'm a Bitch Do not approach me unless you have paws or a bottle of wine If I ran as much as my mouth does, I'd be in really great shape My dream job would be Karma delivery technician Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent to losing your balloon If I'm yelling just know I said it nicely 17 times already I'm Not Irish But I wish this coffee was Not Today Satan. Call Me Friday Tho You're inappropriate. Let's be friends! I used to be cool. Now I'm a tiny persons snack bitch. I'm not trying to be difficult. It just comes naturally. I Don't Trust People Who Don't Like Cats. But I Trust the cat when it doesn't like a person Light Travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak These are the fancy coasters I Bring Out for Fancy Company You're not drinking alone if the dog is home GOLF the only sport that allows drinking and driving The hours between coffee and wine really have no purpose Here's to nights we'll never remember, with friends we'll never forget Well excuse me, "Recommended Serving Size" ... you don't even know me. Girlfriends are the sisters we Choose for ourselves Dear Amazon. Why Can't I subscribe and save on bottles of wine? Drinks well with others I'm at the age where running errands counts as going out Introvert: Not anti-social just selectively social Home is where you drink wine without a bra on One Minute You're young and fun. The Next You're turning down the stereo in your car to see betterCharcuterie Boards: Where Self Control & Good Intentions go to die I Don't go out of my way to piss you off. In fact, it's a stop along the route. I Wish My fitness tracker would calculate how many glasses of wine I've earned I don't get drunk I get awesome It's simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. My Sister Has the Best Sister! Just because it's a bad idea, doesn't mean it won't be a good time. Please leave by 9pm Powered by caffeine and sarcasm It's a little eary for a cocktail. When did you start drinking? March 2020 What did the coffee do after it got mugged? It got drunk Zombies Eat Brains. You're Safe. I never pretend to be something i'm not. Except sober sometimes I pretend to be sober I frequently have an occasional drink You say: Don't go of the deep end. I say: You better get your floaties on, bitch Sometimes I look in the mirror and think: Damn girl, look at your hot self! And other times I'm sober. They're called "edibles" Prepare to Laugh Your Ass Off We'll be friends until we're old and senile, then we'll be new friends! What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway. If you ever feel like you're falling apart, just remember: Tacos fall apart sometimes but they're still delicious I don't repeat gossip so listen carefully. I Drink and I know things The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I'm way worse than that. You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident" Sometimes I Wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once We decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard. Instead of 'single' as a marital status they should put 'independently owned and operated' Yet another meeting that could have been an email When I said I was cleaning I meant I was polishing off a bottle of wine. What doesn't kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor Don't ask just pour Q: what do you look for in a relationship? Me: A way out. Wait, you're reading this? Is your phone dead or something? Decaf coffee is like a hooker that just wants to cuddle I don't really walk the walk or talk the talk, but I do drink the drink No one likes a hot mess Having a daughter is like having a broke best friend who thinks you're rich Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can't Skip the small talk let's get to the gossip She believed she could, especially after all that wine. Guard your drink. Cat is a jerk. I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. I don't need Google: My husband knows everything! Love makes the world go round, but vodka makes it spin Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair spins I Put the AF in Caffeinated Why Dance In the Rain When You can be the whole f*ck!ing storm I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew Best Friends are basically therapist who get pain in wine I'm starting to think my purpose in life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others Sarcasm. one of the many services I offer Here's your friendly reminder that after the third glass, anything you say may haunt you tomorrow